I am correct in being wrong

I had a realization at some point that I would always strive for more. I was just one of those people. I don't look at it as a bad thing, except for the fact that I am never satisfied. I see others around me finding their niche and doing really well at focusing on it. I have yet to find a niche, which in my mind has been my downfall. With this in mind, I continue to educate myself, hoping to someday stumble upon something I can do really really well. Hopefully I stumble pretty soon.

The opportunities to educate yourself are really overwhelming when you start to look for them. There's social media, blogs, free online educational courses, not-so-free online educational courses, college classes, webinars, and the list goes on... Someone pointed me towards Coursera recently. Out of all the online educational tools, this has become one of my favorite. I totally didn't overcommit myself by signing up for 8 courses in the next 3 months. If my sarcasm didn't come across there, let me point out that I did overcommit myself.

Coursera is an opportunity to take a light version of an online college class with some of the best professors at some of the best colleges. We're talking University of Pennsylvania, Yale, Harvard, Northwestern, and even some foreign institutes that sound vaguely familiar and impressive. There is no fee unless you choose to get a certificate for taking the class, which only costs around $60 last I checked. The courses range from intro to Guitar playing, to hardcore accounting, to studies on ancient art displays. I am currently taking a class on Google and it's affect on the media. I love it. 

I love learning that Google and many impressive people writing about Google are preaching that I need to figure out how to do one thing, and do it well. Sadly, this only validates my frustration with myself on not being able to find that one thing.

Sigh...at least I have learned I am correct in my problem.

I will continue to take my online courses in technology, study French with Rosetta Stone, learn to code with Codeacademy.com, and wait to find out if I was accepted to graduate school at Temple Fox School of Business. Perhaps I will stumble across the brilliant idea I long for, and get a chance to do something I love. If only I could get paid to continue learning new things looking for a way to get paid to do my one thing. I'm open to suggestions on that front.

Found it! Some of my writing

It's a little rough. I wrote it 10 years ago. Still, I wanted to share it with you all. This may just be the book I end up finishing. Fingers crossed and all that...read on.

Rough hands shook her arm.

“Beth, wake up!”

Bolting upright from the couch where she had fallen asleep, Beth paused at the sight of her mother sitting next to her.

 “How long was I sleeping?” Beth asked rubbing her eyes. As she raised her hands to her face, she noticed the ring on her finger. It was her good friend Elsie’s present to her. She looked at the ring closely for the first time. A vision of a man putting a ring on a beautiful, long-haired brunette’s finger flashed before her eyes. She closed her eyes trying to remember the dream in more detail.

“How you can doze off like that in the middle of the day is beyond me,” her mother chastised. “I was knocking on your door for 10 minutes before I let myself in.” 

Opening her eyes, Beth noticed the pile of mail her mother placed on the coffee table in front of her.

“I’m sorry mom. I didn’t mean to frighten you,” she replied absently, looking through the stack of envelopes. The silver of the ring seemed to wink at her in the lamplight. She must have incorporated the ring into her dream she thought distractedly. The whole thing seemed so real.

“Are you ready to go?” her mother interrupted her thoughts.

“Go?” Beth questioned.

“Have you forgotten already? I talked to you yesterday about shopping for your sister’s engagement present. Tom gave me the most wonderful idea. Did you hear where he took your sister last weekend? When are you going to find a man like that?”

Beth’s mother rattled on about her sister’s fiancé as if Beth hadn’t already heard how wonderful he was a thousand times already. It was a sore point between Beth and her mother. Beth could never date a man her mother approved of. Tom was her sister’s first serious boyfriend and Beth’s mom couldn’t say enough pleasant things about him. It grated on Beth’s nerves even though she loved Tom like her own brother.

“I’m sorry, mom. Give me ten minutes to get ready and I’ll go with you,” she interrupted.

Walking into the bathroom before her mother could start again, Beth turned the water on and rinsed her face. Grabbing a towel to dry off, she caught the glint of silver in the mirror. Sliding the ring off her finger, Beth inspected the antique. For the first time, she noticed an inscription on the inside.

“Fan Liom Go Deo” it said.

Running out into her living room, she picked a book off her overflowing shelf. It was a book of Gaelic phrases from her long obsession with everything Irish. It took her only a moment to find the phrase from the ring.

“Stay with me forever…” Beth read from the book. “How sweet. You must have meant a lot to the girl that wore you,” Beth said as she held the ring up to the sunlight peaking through the shades on the window.

“Beth!” her mother interrupted. Taking the book from Beth’s hands, she returned it to a spot on the bookshelf. “We are already running late.”

Beth slipped the ring back onto her hand and sighed.

“Please change into something more attractive,” her mother said eyeing the sweatpants and worn t-shirt Beth was wearing. “There will be people in the mall. What if you meet someone there?”

Rolling her eyes at her mother’s back, Beth dragged her feet towards her room. Changing into a jean skirt and baby-doll t-shirt, Beth slipped on a pair of sandals to complete a “man-catching” ensemble that would make her mother proud.

Grabbing her purse and keys, Beth walked back to the kitchen where her mother was inspecting her dirty dishes.

“I’m ready.”

Ignoring the grime in Beth’s sink, her mother smiled in approval at the transformation her daughter had made. Stepping closer for a more complete examination, the smile faded.

“No make-up?” her mother implored.

“Ugh!” Beth groaned and marched back to her bathroom. 

Getting over the past

I discovered some writing today as I was cleaning out an old flash drive. Usually I keep everything I write as it could always be re-purposed towards a story line in the future. This time I couldn't do it. I couldn't save these thoughts I had put down on paper because they disgusted me so much.

What disgusted me was the lack of love I used to have for myself. I didn't outright bash myself in the writing. I only described my interactions with others and my desire for them to like me more. Those guys from the past didn't deserve a moment of my pining for them. They didn't deserve my worry that I could be what they wanted or needed. They should have been happy that someone as smart and beautiful and talented as myself  graced them with my presence! Instead they only gave me the amount of attention one would a stray dog. And I accepted that.

What an idiot I was. To not have enough self-respect to see how wonderful I could truly become.

I think about that time that I wasted, so concerned with other's thoughts of me. All the insecurities I focused on, instead of enjoying my life. I found pictures of how thin I was back then...and I was worried about my weight?! What I would give to have that body again.

What did I learn from this? Be grateful for all the gifts you have and never EVER settle.

Multi-lingual Babies

As a mother to a now one-year-old, I create a lot of my quiet time by tuning the cable-box to the Sprout channel. While my son may not know what the people are really saying, he enjoys the bright colors, lively music and overall tone of the shows. I end up singing the songs after they've been drilled in my head, but it's the price I pay for some time to myself.

The commercials are geared towards parents looking to improve their child's learning abilities, or sometimes a quick fix to a cleaning problem. For the purposes of this conversation, I would like to focus on the learning tools. Particularly, Muzzy.

"What is a Muzzy?" you may ask. It is a program designed to teach children another language. The commercial is chock full of children spouting Russian, Italian and even African dialects. Without knowing exactly how it works, it seems like a smart idea. Today's children will grow up expected to know computer programs that our generation only became exposed to in our college years. I mean computer classes in high school consisted of typing and learning how to create a game using the "Basic" programming language. Is that even still in existence?

My resistance to this process is the idea that I may become one of those moms. Will I try to get my child into the best schools and activities to ensure they make it into the best college? Having done this once before with my older child, I feel like I missed out on giving him some of the advantages he should have gotten. I didn't read as much as I should have. Is that why he hates reading? Is it genetic due to his father (it definitely doesn't come from my side)?!

What is truly useful for my child versus the education overkill? Am I alone in this debate?

Keeping Busy

Today begins a rough time period...not working. It carries mixed emotions for me. I know that being laid off had nothing to do with my work performance, but more of a bad timing and circumstance situation. Still, it is difficult to not have a specific reason to wake up at a set time, get dressed and go somewhere. It leads to further questioning of myself, boredom, and sometimes even depression. I refuse to let that happen this time.

While I continue to look for a new job, I will utilize this time to my best advantage. I will set a list of items to do everyday like they were work meetings. I'll have pop-up reminders and everything to keep me on track.That list will contain: exercising, making dinner, laundry, grocery shopping, fun outings and WRITING. 

My assignment for the day is to plan an outing to Pennsbury Manor. I want to take a bunch of pictures for inspiration for my peg board (the one I will be buying to hang in my new office). I began a story a few years ago that I want to revisit and really flesh out the correct way. I'm excited to really do this. Plan on some writing excerpts in the near future as I get my outline in order and begin the fun part of writing actual scenes.

Just wondering...who would be interested in forming a book/writers club? I'm envisioning people that are working on writing projects as well as anyone willing enough to be the guinea pigs that read our writing and give real feedback. We could do online "meetings" with the option of a get together every once in a while to relax, visit good friends and maybe throw in some time to talk about what we liked and didn't like in the books. If you are interested, please comment. 

GOAL - outline will be done in the next week and the detailed writing will commence!

Realism of Romantic Comedies

As I was flipping through the channels on a lazy Sunday, I came across the movie "Crazy, Stupid Love". I'm always a sucker for a well written romance, which I deem this wonderful story.


I tuned in right at the moment that Hannah figures out that her long time boyfriend is not about to propose to her, but instead offer her a permanent job at his law firm. You see the realization hit her that she is not in the type of relationship she wants and needs. After downing a few drinks, she races dramatically out into the rain and back to the bar where she met Jacob, "the hot guy" that everyone knows and many have slept with, thanks to his well-oiled routine.


"You," she shouts out to him, finally taking control of her life. Walking purposefully over to him she kisses him senseless until he is wrapping his arms around her and lifting her off the ground in a very cliched yet sexy fashion. 


"Remember me?" she says upon her feet making contact with the group again. Nodding "yes" he takes her hand to lead him out the door and to his home to accomplish the much needed inevitable.
But instead of turning to an artistic montage of sex scenes, we see the main characters go through an awkward "now what" scenario. 


Shifting from foot to foot, Hannah asks Jacob to take off his shirt to help ease her insecurity. He peals of his dress shirt to reveal a well-tanned six pack. Instead of oohing and ahhing, Hannah snorts in disgust.


"Are you kidding me? You look Photoshopped!" She says, waving towards his body.


In obvious need of some coaxing to the bedroom, Hannah requests Jacob talk about his next move. He breaks down and confesses his best move is to work "Dirty Dancing" into the conversation and then bring up the aerial lift that he can do. They laugh together about how stupid it is, but Hannah wants to experience it anyway. They go through the dance motions and Jacob lifts Hannah into the famous lift, slowly lowering her down his body to the floor. The mood changes and she's no longer nervous to have sex.


The purpose of this blog is not to replay the entire movie, but to point out how a well written scene takes the best of reality as well as what we all hope will happen and meld it into an exciting story telling experience. As I was laughing at the aforementioned scenes, my fiance, Dave, kept asking me why I thought it was so funny.


"That's me," I said.
"What?" he questioned.
"That's me and every typical girl with a brain. That's how we would react in that kind of situation."
"But you wouldn't be in that situation," he argued.
"Of course not. That's why I like watching a movie that lets me experience it."


This is the way I want my book to read. What would a normal person do in an abnormal experience? I think this is what makes a story so appealing. Do you agree?

A lot is going on

I wanted to take a rare moment away from life to just reflect on how much is truly going on in my life.

Today was my last day working for my current employer. It was expected as the company had lost a lot of business, but still heart breaking in some ways. Who really likes to lose their job? I had some unexpected send offs that were really quite meaningful and reassuring in the sense that I am positive it had nothing to do with my work performance or ethic.

While this is occurring, I am in full blown swing of planning my younger son's first birthday party for tomorrow. There is a large number of guests attending and a whole lot of meatballs to finish cooking before this night is over. I am not as proud of my party planning performance on this occasion as I do not feel I did a great job organizing this. I have my list of what to bring and I have decided to lay off the perfectionist routine and just let the party happen as it will. I am sure people will have a good time and years from now I will not poo-poo myself for my poor planning efforts.

As if this were not enough, Dave and I are also in the process of settling on a new home...our first to be exact. While losing my job is certainly an added stress factor to this process, I have also decided to take the positive attitude approach and bank on the fact that we have already turned in our paperwork and the bank is already in the process of making its final decision. If it does not go through, I cannot promise the continuation of my positive attitude...only that I will positively lose it.

Next on the list; deciding whether to continue looking for new employment or follow my interest in going to the unorthodox style of film school I found online. The film school offers the opportunity to become an apprentice to an experience director or producer in the Philadelphia area. They have you meet with the "mentor" ahead of time to see if it's a good fit and something you are interested in. You need to work with your mentor 2 days a week. If I am able to survive on unemployment and go that route it would be great. I'm just scared that unemployment will not be enough to support a mortgage and a wedding in a year.

Oh yeah...did I mention that we are getting married in 1 year and 4 months.

Perhaps I should apply to be superwoman.